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FMLY5-min read

Love Out Loud: Building a Family on Our Own Terms

By Terrell Joseph and Jarius Joseph

#Same-sex parenting#LGBTQ+ family#Surrogacy#Black gay identity#Relationship foundations#Fatherhood#Modern Family

Section 1: Analysis & Insights

Executive Summary​

Thesis: Two Black gay men demonstrate that creating a thriving family requires actively dismantling traditional templates and building a custom blueprint based on radical honesty, firm boundaries, and the courage to "leave what no longer serves."

Unique Contribution: A rare, vulnerable memoir from Black gay fathers navigating surrogacy, public visibility, and relationship crises. It moves beyond the "love is love" platitudes to show the gritty, messy work of sustaining a marriage and raising children when society offers no roadmap.

Target Outcome: A life where you stop apologizing for your existence and start designing a family culture that honors your specific truth, regardless of external judgment.

Chapter Breakdown​

  • The Exit: Leaving restrictive hometowns and mindsets.
  • The Construction: Building a relationship on shared trauma and healing.
  • The Crisis: Navigating miscarriage, surrogacy fraud, and infidelity.
  • The Visibility: Managing social media fame while protecting family intimacy.
  • The Legacy: Raising Black children to be free.

Nuanced Main Topics​

Foundation Before Structure​

Many couples rush to build the "structure" (marriage, house, kids) before the "foundation" (healing trauma, communication patterns) is solid. Terrell and Jarius admit they almost collapsed because they built a skyscraper on a cracked foundation. The lesson: You must fix the cracks (individual therapy, honesty) before adding more weight (children).

The "Assess and Leave" Protocol​

Growth often requires leaving. They left their hometowns. They left unsupportive church environments. They left toxic friendships. If an environment forces you to shrink, your loyalty to it is misplaced. "Leaving" is not failure; it is a survival strategy for growth.

Public Representation vs. Private Reality​

Living "out loud" on social media is a form of activism, but it creates a "perfomance trap." The authors navigate the tension between being role models for the world and being present fathers/husbands at home. They argue that your primary audience must always be the people inside your house.

Grief as a Co-Pilot​

After a devastating miscarriage and surrogacy scams, they learned that you cannot "fix" grief with a new plan. You must sit in it. Rushing to the next surrogate without processing the loss of the first pregnancy is a recipe for disaster.

Section 2: Actionable Framework

The Checklist​

  • Audit Environment: Does your city/church/circle support your full self?
  • Define "Family": Create your own definition, independent of biology.
  • Grief Pause: Stop "doing" and start "feeling" after a loss.
  • Boundary Check: Are you letting family members disrespect your partner?
  • Vision Alignment: Do you both want the same future, or just the same "right now"?

Implementation Steps (Process)​

Process 1: The "Leave to Grow" Assessment​

Purpose: Determine if you need to exit an environment.

Steps:

  1. List: Write down the top 3 environments you spend time in (Work, Church, Family Home).
  2. Rate: On a scale of 1-10, how much of your "authentic self" can you show here?
  3. Identify: If any is below a 7, identify why. (Is it safety? Judgment? Lack of opportunity?)
  4. Imagine: What would your life look like if you weren't there?
  5. Plan: If the cost of staying is your growth, plan the exit (Move, change jobs, set interaction limits).

Process 2: The Relationship "Foundation Check"​

Purpose: Strengthen the marriage before adding kids.

Steps:

  1. Trauma Talk: Share your childhood wounds specifically regarding money, conflict, and affection.
  2. Conflict Protocol: Agree on how to fight. (No name-calling, no leaving the house, no threaten divorce).
  3. Non-Negotiables: What are the deal-breakers? (Infidelity? Disrespecting parents?).
  4. Therapy: Go before you are broken. Establishing a relationship with a therapist early acts as preventative maintenance.

Process 3: The Boundary Enforcer​

Purpose: Protect the couple from external toxicity.

Steps:

  1. United Front: "My partner and I" is the unbreakable unit.
  2. Script: If a family member insults the partner: "We do not allow that language about [Partner] in this house. If you continue, the visit ends."
  3. Action: If they test it, end the visit immediately. (Words mean nothing without action).
  4. Debrief: Check in with each other. "Did you feel supported by me?"

Process 4: The Intentional Parenting Audit​

Purpose: Raise free children.

Steps:

  1. Values List: What 3 values matter most? (e.g., Kindness, Curiosity, Freedom).
  2. Audit: Look at your schedule and spending. Do they align? (If you value Freedom, is your kid over-scheduled?).
  3. Representation: Ensure books, toys, and media show diverse families like yours.
  4. Truth Telling: Answer hard questions (about race, sexuality, birth story) with age-appropriate honesty, never shame.

Common Pitfalls​

  • The "Fix-It" Baby: Thinking a child will heal a rocky marriage. (It acts as a magnifier, not a fixer).
  • Performing Perfection: Trying to prove to the world that "gay families are perfect" allows no room for normal struggles.
  • Ignoring Intuition: Overriding "red flags" (with surrogates or friends) because you are desperate for the result.
  • Martyrdom: thinking you must suffer to deserve your family.